I was only about three and a half when this happened. It was one day before my aunt’s wedding when this terrible thing happened. My brother, sister and I were playing hide-and-seek; it was my brothers turn to count while my sister and I hid. As I was going to hide, I went on the top bunk of his bunk bed in his room which also had a ceiling fan. I was the first one to be found, I wasn’t the best at playing hide and seek. He turned on the fan because it was getting hot and I stood up in the exact moment he turned it on.
I just sliced open my head.
All I saw was red thick paste running down my face, almost like ketchup but it was blood. I screamed from the shock of it all. My brother yelled for my mom and when she came downstairs she picked me up, got an old rag from under the kitchen sink and applied pressure to the cut to try and stop the bleeding. I was put in the back of the car and my sister held pressure on my wound while my wailing turned into a slight whimper. I remember my mom on the phone with my dad while we were driving to the hospital. She was telling him everything that just happened.
I was terrified.
When we got the hospital I was rushed into the back to get it looked at. The doctor said that it was not to bad, he just needed to put a couple of stitches in my head. My mom was worried because the next day was my aunt’s wedding and she was scared that I would not be able to go to the wedding. Luckily, the doctor said it would be okay, I just could not do heavy physical activity for the next week or two. My mom let out a sigh of relief knowing I could still go to the wedding. She still had a panicked look because I would have stitches and she would not want them to ruin any pictures.
When we got home I saw my dad and grandma and we watched a movie that night. The next morning I was really excited about the wedding. I wore a pretty pale pink dress and my grandma pulled out a matching pink hat from her bag as we were getting ready. My stitches did not make an appearance at my aunt’s wedding. That is the story of how I got stitches in my head from a ceiling fan the day before my aunt’s wedding.
ceiling fan image▸http://gph.is/XNbmZa
Dear Camdyn,
I love this story a lot (not the fact that you got cut open, but the fact that the story is very funny overall). I laughed a little bit on the inside while reading. The gif portrays the story perfectly, and I love the aesthetic you have going for your blog. I got a clear image of the whole scenario – not as gruesome – and it made my reading experience a lot more enjoyable. I can’t wait to read the rest of your writing! 🙂
One factor you should improve on is the length of the writing. I feel like it’s too short. As well, I would look out for punctuation, as I noticed a lot of sentences that could improve with the use of commas.
Good job on your work! I’m proud!
Love,
Cindy
Dear Cindy,
Thank you for reading my post! The story was not funny in the moment but now I can look back and laugh at the moment. I am still working on my GUMPS, sorry if this messed up the flow of the writing. I tried to remember as much as I could but I had to ask a lot of details from this moment from my parents.
Thanks again, Camdyn <3
Dear Camdyn,
This is a fascinating piece relating to an experience of a ceiling fan that had sliced your head open during a game of hide and seek the day before your aunts wedding. Your piece was engaging as you spoke to the readers when you explained what had happened. I was quickly engrossed into what you had to say. The line when you said,”I just sliced open my head,” my jaw literally opened and I immediately wanted to read more. I also liked how you compared things like how the blood looked like ketchup.
What I would focus on to make this piece even better is reducing the amount of commas you added into your piece especially in your first and second paragraph. I would also work on describing some areas of your writing better like including literary devices and the setting you were playing the hide and seek in. I believe these recommendations will allow the reader to be even more drawn to your writing.
Overall, I loved your piece and I’m very excited to read more of your writing in the future.
Sincerely,
Mariam
Dear Mariam,
Thank you for reading my post! I will make sure to go back and edit my GUMPS. I will make sure to add in literary devices to make the piece even more engaging. Thank you for the suggestions and compliments on my work, it means a lot!
Camdyn<3
My dear Camdyn,
This was an incredible story and I’m joyed you are sharing with us! This is also a terrifying story, so once more I applaud your strength for sharing. Your writing is very intricate and has a very nice style to it. Your story is also very relatable as we all have crazy childhood stories.
For improvement, I would suggest going over your grammar and punctuation. There were some slight errors.
Regardless, this was a great piece and I’m extremely impressed and excited to read more if your work!
With love,
Tolu.
Dear Tolu,
Thank you for reading my writing. It means a lot because you are such an inspiration to me. I am so glad that you enjoyed. I am trying to work on my GUMPS so my writing improves but it is a work in progress. Thank you so much again for reading.
Camdyn <3
Dear Camdyn,
I really enjoyed your piece, I felt like it was very well done. Your story had some humour in it which I appreciated. I really like how you compared blood to thick paste, I though it was very unique.
One thing I noticed was the misuse of commas or not using them at all. Maybe trying reading it out loud?
Thank you for your piece!
Sincerely,
Tina